idk when or how this happened, but i found myself tearing at my skin while pacing erratically around my room today after hearing that bella was offered a designer position at National Museum of Singapore because they thought that her posters were very professional looking.
what is wrong with me.
i hate myself for feeling this way. for getting so upset over something that i should be happy over, for her. i hate myself so badly. what is wrong with my fucking mind?! i am evil. ugh. i am so fucking evil i want to kill myself. i deserve to die.
and then for the first time in the longest time, i actually thought of killing myself, again. for real. idk. IDFK. and then i just stood there, staring at my medicine stash, staring at it, just staring while my fingers went numb and tingly like they always do when i'm on the verge of breaking / getting a panic attack. i just stared at it for the longest time, quivering from head to toe, with faint white spots clouding my vision.
and i couldn't do it. i didn't want to end up not dying again and having to deal with staying at the hospital while everyone blamed all this shit that's always going through my mind on my eating disorder. even though it's never been that case. no. i do not want to go through that hell again.
but then again, i deserve to die, don't i. someone as pathetic and evil as i am ought to just shoot myself in the head. i dont deserve to be alive, i really don't. why can't i just be happy for her goddammit. why can't i just go, 'omg good for you! im so happy for you. go for it, get the job and do your best.' why. WHY THE FUCK WHY.
now i just feel like as if i cant make it anywhere. i dont even know if i should still try applying for sim even though i've been anticipating it for such a long time. what's the point in wasting the time, right? i'm not good at anything. no matter how hard i try. i mean, here there's bella - a marketing major. not even a designer. and she's getting offers to be a designer while i am sitting here, forever trying my darnest to get into the design industry to no fucking avail.
i'm just tired. i'm so tired of being pathetic and an absolute failure.
i'm sinking back into depression without any energy left to fight it. maybe someday something fantastic will run me over and leave me dead. so i won't have to deal with my evil self anymore.