I fear the uncertainties, the unknown, the possibilities of getting hurt. So I shut out everything that might put me in such position discarding my dream, goal, and aspiration. I give myself the most stable path knowing that it is in my best interest. NO! I have no courage to live my life instead I watch as it steadily pass by. Day by day, I become an observer of life and it slowly kills me inside.
My situation is getting worst and worst, back in high school I pretend like everything is fine thinking that I have friends but now in college my life is collapsing, I have people to hang out with but I still feel like I am living a lie. Not to mention people excluding me because I don't fit in the norm. I feel so lonely here and it's even worst back home, my family is on a financial breakdown with my dad constant gambling habit. I don't know anymore. I can't do anything to fix it. I feel so worthless, so hopeless, so incompetant ant everything. I'm a failure at everything, I'm not doin well at school anymore. I hate my school, I hate my major, I hate everything I do but i just have to do it. No one can understand what I am going through. Everyday, I wake up and put on a brave face for the world. People around me see me as a really happy, silly person but INSIDE I'm screaming out for help but nobody can hear me. I don't know how long I can put this up. I am tire.
For once in my life I would like to see what really is beautiful and important through my own eyes. I know it is out there, and all I have to do is reach out. I want to go back to the simpler time when I used to believe in miracles and the impossible . I want to go back to when i was happy when I did not understand what was happening around me, when things weren't so complicated. But I know that that isn't going to happen. Reality will always be reality. I gave up hope long ago. I stop believing in the kindness of other people, I lost my dream. Now I am bitter, a broken spirit, and my life got cold.