Tim (dothackz) wrote in artificialjoy,
Tim
dothackz
artificialjoy

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I'M LOST!

I have always feel like something is missing from my life, like I am missing out, like there is a void that is beckoning to be filled up. I am in a limbo, going round and round, lower and lower, a cycle that never ceases to exist. I never feel like I belong to anything. I want to belong to a part of something, anything, I do not care what. I tried changing who I am thinking that it will better my chance of being accepted. But I was wrong, no matter how I dress or how I act, it did not plug up all of the gaps I have, I feel unwholesome. I thought that I could buy a style, put on a charade, create a new me, make me someone else, but in reality all it does is making me feel pretentious and preposterous. The deeper I sank into this dilemma, the more difficult it is for me to go back. I have a friend who is everything that I wanted to be. And I hated my friend for mirroring everything that I want to do but cannot do. I despise him. Why can he do it but I cannot? Why is it so unfair? I feel ugly for harboring such thoughts but I cannot help it. I can't help being jealous of other. I can't help wanting to have what they have. It is just in my nature. I am ugly inside out. Even worst, I am a coward. I never once had a chance to live my life like I imagined it to be.
 
I fear the uncertainties, the unknown, the possibilities of getting hurt. So I shut out everything that might put me in such position discarding my dream, goal, and aspiration. I give myself the most stable path knowing that it is in my best interest. NO! I have no courage to live my life instead I watch as it steadily pass by. Day by day, I become an observer of life and it slowly kills me inside.

My situation is getting worst and worst, back in high school I pretend like everything is fine thinking that I have friends but now in college my life is collapsing, I have people to hang out with but I still feel like I am living a lie. Not to mention people excluding me because I don't fit in the norm. I feel so lonely here and it's even worst back home, my family is on a financial breakdown with my dad constant gambling habit. I don't know anymore. I can't do anything to fix it. I feel so worthless, so hopeless, so incompetant ant everything. I'm a failure at everything, I'm not doin well at school anymore. I hate my school, I hate my major, I hate everything I do but i just have to do it. No one can understand  what I am going through. Everyday, I wake up and put on a brave face for the world. People around me see me as a really happy, silly person but INSIDE I'm screaming out for help but nobody can hear me. I don't know how long I can put this up. I am tire.  

For once in my life I would like to see what really is beautiful and important through my own eyes. I know it is out there, and all I have to do is reach out. I want to go back to the simpler time when I used to believe in miracles and the impossible . I want to go back to when i was happy when I did not understand what was happening around me, when things weren't so complicated. But I know that that isn't going to happen. Reality will always be reality. I gave up hope long ago. I stop believing in the kindness of other people, I lost my dream. Now I am bitter, a broken spirit, and my life got cold.
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