minus_an_x (minus_an_x) wrote in artificialjoy,
minus_an_x
minus_an_x
artificialjoy

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I'm new, but this seemed about right...
I feel like such a misfit. I don't trust anyone in my life. I don't have a single real friend. Every time I tell someone about problems I have, I just feel dumber and dumber, and tell myself that I should shut up, because it's not going to help me and because nobody cares. Even clicking the link to this felt dumb, like, there's no point anyway. I guess I still have hope that there's hope somewhere.
I hate my parents so much. They're the only people I can never forgive. My mom was hitting me once, I don't remember why, and I ran into my room and locked it, and I thought I was so lucky that I got in before she caught up. Then, she came to the door and told me to open it. She said she wouldn't hit me, and after a while, I opened it, and she started hitting me worse than ever, and I just felt so stupid. I tried to like her again and again, but each time I wished I could stop, so that the pain of remembering what she's really like would go away. I can't believe I'm crying right now just from writing this. I wish I were tougher, but my mom can still make me break down in public. I feel like I've killed my parents, because I can't think of them as that anymore. I just want to get out of here. That's why I want to get a scholarship to a good college so badly, because I don't want to be indebted to them. I just want a clean break, I want to start over. I feel so bad for my brother, because he loves my mother so much but she's so awful to him. My dad and grandmother pick on him a lot. I wish I could run away with him or something. I thought that if I hurt myself, it would make the pain I feel go away, but it didn't help at all. I felt so cheated.
I don't know why I have no friends. I guess I'm quiet, but even people I know ignore me. I feel like I can see right through all my friends. And I have never, ever been on anyone's "number one" list. The year I joined my best friend's school, she acted like I didn't even exist. The only friend who I can count on to talk to me, she's bossy, and drowns everyone out, and she will never admit when she's wrong about something. She can be so caustic. I used to take her word for some things about people, and talk about people like, "Oh, what a creep!", but now, I feel like maybe people think I'm a creep. Another one of my friends, well, I feel like maybe she was never friends with me and I just didn't get it. She'd rather talk to someone across the room that she barely knows than to me. I don't want to dislike her, but I feel like she's such a... I don't know what the word is. She's insincere and backstabbing. My best guy friend, I think I treated him like shit, and I feel awful now. He's such a nice person. He's so fucking decent, unlike nearly everyone else I know. Now I barely ever talk to him. I had to start eating lunch behind a building because I had nowhere else to go. As I turn into more of a loner, it's harder and harder to go back.
I feel like my life is going down the drain. I always thought that when I was this age, I'd have loads of thick friends and a boyfriend and good grades and all that. I have next to zero friends, I've never so much as gone out with a guy, and I'm killing myself to get good grades. I have two halves. One is the real one, that knows there's no point in anything but wants to try and find one anyway. That one controls the fake one, that works her butt off to try and accomplish everything normal people want to accomplish, but even though I get good grades and I try my hardest at everything, adults look down on me so much because I haven't "accomplished anything". I live in this place where if you can't get into an ivy league college, you aren't worth a shit to anyone. The real one is going insane, feeling like there's no point. I don't know why I had to be this way, only that I can't to back to being normal and fooled. I used to wish that I was special, and could be famous and shit. Now I wish so badly that I were average.
I don't know what to do anymore. The fake half is happy that my finals are going well, sad that I'm losing my friends. It tries to think more about small things. The real half is trying to sleep through life as much as possible. I don't know what I'll do with my life. I feel like a failure.
Sorry, I read somewhere that writing is supposed to help. I thought it couldn't hurt, anyway.
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