Log in

No account? Create an account
This is who we are

> recent entries
> calendar
> friends
> profile
> previous 20 entries

Thursday, November 25th, 2010
1:55 pm - Considerations

I don't know but on some communities , I see people reaching out for help and a reason to live for...

I have one suggestion ...

see if there is anything for you in the intelligence of emotion by Robert. C .Solomon.

It is download and a book.

I hope that somebody can use this. That's all

(2 gut reactions | Be au fait)

Saturday, August 28th, 2010
10:29 pm - Words from my cheated ex

Thank you for everything. I miss you too. I did love you and cared for you. Don't ever think I didn't. And I never cheated on you. I know you thought I did. But I never did. I wish I could have known this was going to happened but I didn't. You lied to me SEVERAL times. That is what hurts the most. But everything happens for a reason. God knows everything and sees everything. I hope you find yourself and peace of mind. I hope you find god and I wish you luck with that. It is very hard being without you too...

( Be au fait)

Thursday, August 19th, 2010
10:03 pm - releasing

Well since my last entry, i have been having thoughts, and memories, haunting me like the plague spreading out through my body. I see Jose's face where ever i go, and its hard because, we went to a lot of places. So its hard for me to go anywhere, and when i get my life back together, i would want to go to my favorite places, with someone i care about, am just afraid of having to think of jose, and fall back into depression and miss him all over again. Fear, of going with someone and then thinking to myself that it doesn't feel right, because the person I' am with is not the person i want him to be. I feel to shake off the hurt, and pain that i have inflected on him, the person that meant so much to me, that supported me. I miss him to this day, and it hurts so much. I hate myself for it, and that you have no idea how much i would hate myself. I tend to punish myself in ways that are not life threatening. I tend to distance myself from those that love me, my family, and friends. I tend to stay away and break any forms of communication. but now am starting to go to therapy, counseling, and in the process of looking for a 12 step program, am beginning to look for my family, and friends. Am, beginning to understand the one person that was confused, lost, depressed, angry, frustrated, and tormented...me. Am tired, for 8 years. my addiction has had a control over me, and i didn't know what force of addiction it was. I wasn't sure what possessed me, and what had me under control. I had felt that something so powerful had me in a battle like, the scene of lord of the rings, the battle for middle earth, where the humans raced against time, charging towards the trolls, and goblins, to fight for one thing, one purpose. and i just stand back waiting to see what the outcome of the battle will be, and who's side am i on?

I have regrets, and i have issues.with who? my family, we were'nt the family i would've liked to be. But most of all i have more issues with me then i do with my family.

(1 gut reaction | Be au fait)

Wednesday, July 28th, 2010
4:34 am

I'm not entirely sure I can watch Mad Men anymore.

I was in London for three weeks, I met a man that closely resembles Don Draper in a few too many ways. (looks being one of them) We met up a few times to socialize, sharing many common interests and then the night before I left to come back home, I ended up cheating on my boyfriend. My amazing, wonderful boyfriend of nearly three years. Not perfect- but amazing as he is. I don't see why I need to clarify that I had absolutely no intent to do this and it just sort of happened. And as it stands now, I regret betraying the trust in our relationship but I don't (and I doubt I ever will) have the guts to tell him the truth. He's happier as he is now and the best I can do is to be faithful and be a proper significant other. I don't see the need to rain on the metaphorical parade here.

But suffice to say.. I see this man pop up on my messenger, I get a small twang in the heart strings. I see the character in Mad Men, another twang. I'm not entirely sure what this little twanging nonsense is but.. there it is. Nobody in my life knows about this little secret of mine and I intend to keep it that way but.. I had to air this somewhere.

So, like I said, maybe I should skip watching Mad Men. Despite it's delicious plot weavings and retro goodness.

( Be au fait)

Monday, January 11th, 2010
11:52 am - Believe in yourself, be kind to yourself, and others

You are not a misfit.
The world is going through strange times.
You need to be strong and determined to survive.

You will be tested.

If you LOVE, and value the quality of being KIND,
you will be a great Human Being.

I am glad you are seeking truth and a better, happy life.

I was once like you, so I understand.
I think you will find good information on my website.

current mood: thoughtful

( Be au fait)

Thursday, January 7th, 2010
3:06 am
minus_an_x I'm new, but this seemed about right...
I feel like such a misfit. I don't trust anyone in my life. I don't have a single real friend. Every time I tell someone about problems I have, I just feel dumber and dumber, and tell myself that I should shut up, because it's not going to help me and because nobody cares. Even clicking the link to this felt dumb, like, there's no point anyway. I guess I still have hope that there's hope somewhere.
I hate my parents so much. They're the only people I can never forgive. My mom was hitting me once, I don't remember why, and I ran into my room and locked it, and I thought I was so lucky that I got in before she caught up. Then, she came to the door and told me to open it. She said she wouldn't hit me, and after a while, I opened it, and she started hitting me worse than ever, and I just felt so stupid. I tried to like her again and again, but each time I wished I could stop, so that the pain of remembering what she's really like would go away. I can't believe I'm crying right now just from writing this. I wish I were tougher, but my mom can still make me break down in public. I feel like I've killed my parents, because I can't think of them as that anymore. I just want to get out of here. That's why I want to get a scholarship to a good college so badly, because I don't want to be indebted to them. I just want a clean break, I want to start over. I feel so bad for my brother, because he loves my mother so much but she's so awful to him. My dad and grandmother pick on him a lot. I wish I could run away with him or something. I thought that if I hurt myself, it would make the pain I feel go away, but it didn't help at all. I felt so cheated.
I don't know why I have no friends. I guess I'm quiet, but even people I know ignore me. I feel like I can see right through all my friends. And I have never, ever been on anyone's "number one" list. The year I joined my best friend's school, she acted like I didn't even exist. The only friend who I can count on to talk to me, she's bossy, and drowns everyone out, and she will never admit when she's wrong about something. She can be so caustic. I used to take her word for some things about people, and talk about people like, "Oh, what a creep!", but now, I feel like maybe people think I'm a creep. Another one of my friends, well, I feel like maybe she was never friends with me and I just didn't get it. She'd rather talk to someone across the room that she barely knows than to me. I don't want to dislike her, but I feel like she's such a... I don't know what the word is. She's insincere and backstabbing. My best guy friend, I think I treated him like shit, and I feel awful now. He's such a nice person. He's so fucking decent, unlike nearly everyone else I know. Now I barely ever talk to him. I had to start eating lunch behind a building because I had nowhere else to go. As I turn into more of a loner, it's harder and harder to go back.
I feel like my life is going down the drain. I always thought that when I was this age, I'd have loads of thick friends and a boyfriend and good grades and all that. I have next to zero friends, I've never so much as gone out with a guy, and I'm killing myself to get good grades. I have two halves. One is the real one, that knows there's no point in anything but wants to try and find one anyway. That one controls the fake one, that works her butt off to try and accomplish everything normal people want to accomplish, but even though I get good grades and I try my hardest at everything, adults look down on me so much because I haven't "accomplished anything". I live in this place where if you can't get into an ivy league college, you aren't worth a shit to anyone. The real one is going insane, feeling like there's no point. I don't know why I had to be this way, only that I can't to back to being normal and fooled. I used to wish that I was special, and could be famous and shit. Now I wish so badly that I were average.
I don't know what to do anymore. The fake half is happy that my finals are going well, sad that I'm losing my friends. It tries to think more about small things. The real half is trying to sleep through life as much as possible. I don't know what I'll do with my life. I feel like a failure.
Sorry, I read somewhere that writing is supposed to help. I thought it couldn't hurt, anyway.

current mood: alone

(4 gut reactions | Be au fait)

Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
12:12 am - how

Can you make someone care for their life?
can you prevent their self inflicted death?
how many times can it be prevented?
I don't know what to do anymore
I just don't understand.
how much can you do before you can say
"there was nothing more i could do"
she's tried 4 times before to kill herself
and the next day of the most recent one
she said "i failed at failing" 
They tell me this is a way of manipulation
but even if it is true how am i supposed to turn 
when someone needs me how can i
turn the other way when she says she's 
wants to die.
after 4 suicide attempts this 
makes me jump.
tell me what should i do

current mood: worried

(3 gut reactions | Be au fait)

Friday, July 10th, 2009
5:26 am - Original creators of artificialjoy take note

I am hardly on LJ any longer, my friend being gone. I kind of hate to do it, because this community has meant so much to me in the past but I am ready to give up mod status on artificialjoy now. Anyone interested in being in charge, email me with good answers to these three questions:

How has artificialjoy community benefited you?

What modifications would you make to artificialjoy and how it is run given the chance?

Why should I pick you?

I know these sound like a job interview, I am sorry for that. This community was handed to me by its creator because of my sincere interest and how I was able to express it. I endevor to keep it as alive in the same spirit as much as i possibly can. Thanks for your time. I am thinking by the end of August I will have chosen someone.

current mood: lonely

(2 gut reactions | Be au fait)

Monday, June 1st, 2009
3:52 pm

I am happy. Really. I'm in a 24/7 S/M relationship. I'm the slave, my significant other and boyfriend is my Master. We do this for multiple reasons, one is we've both always been into bdsm and the s/m roles, the other is our desire to try new things. Lastly, he's had a chronic illness(lyme) for the last 5-6 years of his life now that puts him in a somewhat delicate state. He can't state the normal or sometimes not so normal stresses of the average relationship, the potential arguing and bickering and etc. He finds it easier to be completely dominant in a relationship because it's easier for him to handle things when he has everything in his hand, so to speak. The flipside is that while I've always enjoyed a submissive role in bdsm, I've very contrary to that in my actions. I can be very argumentative or unreasonable to a point that it's not very fair to the other person in the relationship(family enviroments can breed this sort of thing, unfortunately) and for the longest time I haven't been able to put it in moderation or tone down the arguing and whatnot.

BUT, after working at our s/m relationship for awhile, establishing guidelines, rules, consequences and the ilk.. I kind of got it, but only kind of.

After really thinking about it more in the last few weeks, I'm made it work. I'm less stressed, less agitated, we argue less, we enjoy our time spent together more, my occasional indecision about foods and etc can be quickly mended by asking him.. well, suffice to say. I'm happy, it's working, I'm not quite sure what I'm doing but I'm doing it right.

And the reason why this is here? Well- It's a somewhat private relationship we keep and would rather it not leak into my friends page and into our social circle because we don't want to make people uncomfortable or get flak from people who don't quite get the nature of our relationship.

For a public service announcement : Go enjoy your day and love something. It's fun, I promise.

(6 gut reactions | Be au fait)

Monday, April 13th, 2009
2:00 am - I'M LOST!

I have always feel like something is missing from my life, like I am missing out, like there is a void that is beckoning to be filled up. I am in a limbo, going round and round, lower and lower, a cycle that never ceases to exist. I never feel like I belong to anything. I want to belong to a part of something, anything, I do not care what. I tried changing who I am thinking that it will better my chance of being accepted. But I was wrong, no matter how I dress or how I act, it did not plug up all of the gaps I have, I feel unwholesome. I thought that I could buy a style, put on a charade, create a new me, make me someone else, but in reality all it does is making me feel pretentious and preposterous. The deeper I sank into this dilemma, the more difficult it is for me to go back. I have a friend who is everything that I wanted to be. And I hated my friend for mirroring everything that I want to do but cannot do. I despise him. Why can he do it but I cannot? Why is it so unfair? I feel ugly for harboring such thoughts but I cannot help it. I can't help being jealous of other. I can't help wanting to have what they have. It is just in my nature. I am ugly inside out. Even worst, I am a coward. I never once had a chance to live my life like I imagined it to be.
I fear the uncertainties, the unknown, the possibilities of getting hurt. So I shut out everything that might put me in such position discarding my dream, goal, and aspiration. I give myself the most stable path knowing that it is in my best interest. NO! I have no courage to live my life instead I watch as it steadily pass by. Day by day, I become an observer of life and it slowly kills me inside.

My situation is getting worst and worst, back in high school I pretend like everything is fine thinking that I have friends but now in college my life is collapsing, I have people to hang out with but I still feel like I am living a lie. Not to mention people excluding me because I don't fit in the norm. I feel so lonely here and it's even worst back home, my family is on a financial breakdown with my dad constant gambling habit. I don't know anymore. I can't do anything to fix it. I feel so worthless, so hopeless, so incompetant ant everything. I'm a failure at everything, I'm not doin well at school anymore. I hate my school, I hate my major, I hate everything I do but i just have to do it. No one can understand  what I am going through. Everyday, I wake up and put on a brave face for the world. People around me see me as a really happy, silly person but INSIDE I'm screaming out for help but nobody can hear me. I don't know how long I can put this up. I am tire.  

For once in my life I would like to see what really is beautiful and important through my own eyes. I know it is out there, and all I have to do is reach out. I want to go back to the simpler time when I used to believe in miracles and the impossible . I want to go back to when i was happy when I did not understand what was happening around me, when things weren't so complicated. But I know that that isn't going to happen. Reality will always be reality. I gave up hope long ago. I stop believing in the kindness of other people, I lost my dream. Now I am bitter, a broken spirit, and my life got cold.

current mood: melancholy

(5 gut reactions | Be au fait)

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009
11:00 pm

xposted to as many places that i could think to ask.

i have been suffering from depression and bpd for what seems like forever.
i used to self-injure and have extremely noticeable scars on my arms.

now, i am a case manager.
i work with youth who have recently been released from foster care.

they ask many personal questions to me... i think because i'm so young (23) and because i'm new in this position.

the summer is coming up fast.
my greatest fear is one of my client's noticing my arms and asking me what happened.
i know they know. many have done it themselves.

as people who have been through the "system"
which would you prefer?
what should i do? tell them? lie to them? what  should  i do?

(2 gut reactions | Be au fait)

Thursday, February 19th, 2009
10:54 pm - in a rutt

I dont exept to be happy.
I know someone else has it worse.
But life sucks when you have unexplaned neurological symptoms.
Ive lost friends because of it.
its embarrissing to go to a friends house or party.
and have convolutions or flairs.
"They"  [kids i know my age]
only understand certin pain.
like relationships,money,drugs
but chronic physical pain along with  flairs and convolutions.
its like talking to a box of rocks!

Like afew days ago i was taking a bus home.
Suddenly started to have convolutions on the bus.
The two girls next to me said "haha omg she crazy! lets move."

eh...ah...    >.>
im pending dissability.
So i can get insurance and findout whats wrong with me.
But pending
"social security"  [haha fuckn  joke]
 a catch 22
if you can go  a year or more without income and not die,or become homeless

then maby.....youll get approved!

(3 gut reactions | Be au fait)

Monday, February 2nd, 2009
1:23 pm

So I feel like my life is pointless. It's just getting to the point where I don't even want to get out of bed. But yet, every morning I do. Maybe it doesn't help that I get out much?

Maybe it's because I don't really have friends? Maybe it's my so called "boyfriend" who is dragging me down? (I have a feeling that it is) Most days I just want to curl up in my bed all day and just sob and sob and sob.

I feel like my parents don't care. I've been asking my mom for years and years to get me to see a psychologist or something. But I DON'T want to take meds, because then i'd never be able to fly an airplane.

I just wanna feel right again, even though life is pretty much pointless as of now. I feel like i'll never get out of community college, i'll never even get a fucking driver's license or pilot's license, i'll never move out, no one will ever want me in a relationship.

One word to sum this post up: Worthless.

And on top of everything else, i've REALLY been wanting to start cutting again, and it's driving me mad, because I know I'm too much of a pussy to do it.

(6 gut reactions | Be au fait)

9:18 pm - silent noise

i'm not happy.

idk when or how this happened, but i found myself tearing at my skin while pacing erratically around my room today after hearing that bella was offered a designer position at National Museum of Singapore because they thought that her posters were very professional looking.

what is wrong with me.

i hate myself for feeling this way. for getting so upset over something that i should be happy over, for her. i hate myself so badly. what is wrong with my fucking mind?! i am evil. ugh. i am so fucking evil i want to kill myself. i deserve to die.

and then for the first time in the longest time, i actually thought of killing myself, again. for real. idk. IDFK. and then i just stood there, staring at my medicine stash, staring at it, just staring while my fingers went numb and tingly like they always do when i'm on the verge of breaking / getting a panic attack. i just stared at it for the longest time, quivering from head to toe, with faint white spots clouding my vision.

and i couldn't do it. i didn't want to end up not dying again and having to deal with staying at the hospital while everyone blamed all this shit that's always going through my mind on my eating disorder. even though it's never been that case. no. i do not want to go through that hell again.

but then again, i deserve to die, don't i. someone as pathetic and evil as i am ought to just shoot myself in the head. i dont deserve to be alive, i really don't. why can't i just be happy for her goddammit. why can't i just go, 'omg good for you! im so happy for you. go for it, get the job and do your best.' why. WHY THE FUCK WHY. 

now i just feel like as if i cant make it anywhere. i dont even know if i should still try applying for sim even though i've been anticipating it for such a long time. what's the point in wasting the time, right? i'm not good at anything. no matter how hard i try. i mean, here there's bella - a marketing major. not even a designer. and she's getting offers to be a designer while i am sitting here, forever trying my darnest to get into the design industry to no fucking avail.

i'm just tired. i'm so tired of being pathetic and an absolute failure.

i'm sinking back into depression without any energy left to fight it. maybe someday something fantastic will run me over and leave me dead. so i won't have to deal with my evil self anymore.

(2 gut reactions | Be au fait)

Wednesday, January 14th, 2009
8:41 pm

I'm empty and my soul is slowly dying
i have no desire to try anymore...
i wanted to be the best i could be and i still do
but perhaps its best for now if i stay in my limits with certain people
im sick of this shit and i dont know what to do
i've dug myself in a deep ditch and now i find myself looking up
trying to claw out of this mud ditch but all that happens is
i keep falling bring more dirt down with me

(1 gut reaction | Be au fait)

Monday, January 12th, 2009
1:30 am

I've decied that life is like a firework.

You spend all of your life waiting for your moment, and then when it happens it's over so quickly that it can't be remembered and then your forgotten as you fizzle out into nothingness and all attention is then pulled away at something that is brighter than yourself.


( Be au fait)

Monday, November 17th, 2008
12:47 pm

i am not eating until i am happy

(3 gut reactions | Be au fait)

Saturday, November 15th, 2008
5:58 pm - You or me, amplified.

For some reason, "Girl, Interrupted" never gets old to me. This is my favourite quote from it:

was i ever crazy? maybe. or maybe life is.
crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret.
it's you or me, amplified.
if you ever told a lie and enjoyed it...
if you ever wished you could be a child forever...
they were not perfect, but they were my friends.

Until I heard that, I had never really thought of "crazy" like that. This made me think of it in a new light.

musings and rambling about mental health in general.Collapse )

current mood: contemplative

(15 gut reactions | Be au fait)

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008
11:14 am - Another day, another work

Read more...Collapse )

( Be au fait)

Wednesday, October 29th, 2008
2:53 am - Why does he have to be so stubborn

wow... I haven't watched this movie in forever. My nephews use to love it... El Darado? idk how to spell it hahah

So taking the advice I got about the boyfriend thing. I text him tonight, and ew said a few things about me being worried. I'll type it out:

Me: babe, you don't have anything going on behind my back, right?
Him: Right
Me: I'm worried.
Him: Don't be
Me: I just really am
Him: babe, please. Don't be...
Me: you know... it's just kind of hard on me.
Him: What?
Me: I'm sorry, I'm just worried, you have no idea.
Him: No Reason. uhm, I don't know why...
Me: because you have a habit of getting extra close with people online.
Him: WTF I've been damn good.
Me: Babe, I know. you don't understand.
Me: Like, not stating on Gaia that I'm your girlfriend. Ok. People might not read it. But if they were talking to you often, then they would. But you deny to do it.
Me: I'm not trying to bring you down, I'm just trying to find a comfort zone,.... you know?
Him: yeah I guess
Me: are you mad?
Him: No.
Me: Is asking you to put it on there unfair of me?
Him: In some sense, yeah.
Me: So... if my myspace said Single, you would be okay with that?
Him: Sure, if you want it that way.
Me: But no matter how much these guys come on to me, it doesn't make you feel better that it is stated, and showing a piece of it's significance to me?
Him: They do it anyway, so it doesn't make a difference.
Me: It makes a different to me babe, and with my myspace? It makes a HUGE difference.
Me: So you think you not putting it on there after i have asked you as nicely as I can....is going to make me less worried?

He never replied. Never answered my calls. He worked until eight tonight, which is a big reason on why his replies are short. He normally gets on by nine, sometimes ten. He didn't get on. Didn't text me back, didn't answer the phone. I left him a voice message around one telling him I loved him, and to text me in the morning. I signed online right now, and he was on this website... at 1:50am.

Is it wrong of me to wonder what took him until almost TWO IN THE MORNING to sign online and not answer my calls? Idk. He hasn't been feeling good, so was he laying down all night and randomly woke up and got on? Or did he go out? I mean, I checked the site around 1 when I called him. So within those forty minutes... He was on a short period of time... IDK

see this is the stuff that we end up in a fight about.

Anyway, about him putting on this site that he is "taken by Nichole" just that sentence alone, don't you guys believe it just has a statement. More then "im taken" because that could mean anyone... I just know that if any girl were to get involved with him and saw that on his page, it would probably give them a sign. Right? But if he won't do it, does that tell me he has something to hide? Is that my biggest warning sign?

(2 gut reactions | Be au fait)

> previous 20 entries
> top of page